It hard to converse with people around here. Of course, I am not a good talker. But, I just hope than the person I am talking with can help me extend the conversation. Too much to ask for, I suppose.
Classes has been gone well so far. Its been 2 weeks and assignments are piling up. Study, study, study. Whew~ Its quite tiring.
When I first arrive, I was kinda excited. Its LA after all. However, the excitement soon died down. Sometimes, I feel I am in some kind of dream world. Am I really in the United States? Am I in some kind of video game? Some times I am not sure myself. Some times, I find myself reminding me that I am in LA and all of this is real. I am not sure what to think anymore. Right now, I just living day to day, without much emotions involved because if I were to live with emotions I would be sad all the time as the only emotion I can feel right now is sadness.
I can't deny that I am homesick. "Normal", I guess. Haha. My roommates call their family everyday. I feel a little envious. "Mummy, where are you!" I say to myself. But still, I think I am getting over homesickness.
I also can't deny that I am heartbroken. I find myself thinking about her all the time.
The other day, she said to me that she missed me badly. I actually wanted to say that I missed her badly too. But, I stopped and asked myself whats the point in saying that. It just doesn't matter anymore whether I miss her. Sometimes, I will look at the blue sky and think about her. (Yeah, she really loves blue). Its kinda painful having to live like this but I just do it anyway. I know I should just 'move on' but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go. The time when I was with her, I was very very happy. Now, it has ended and I am upset. I am not sure what to do.........All I can do now is to bury my emotions and doubt deep in my heart and, as I said before, live without emotions like how I did before I met her.
In the end, happiness just doesn't exist in my life. Sadness is everywhere for me. I'll just have to deal with it whether I like it or not.
P.S. I know I am gonna be so jealous when she gets a new boyfriend. haha.
