I'm Sorry

I am really sorry for pissing you off.

I have absolutely no intentions of making you angry or to blame you or anything!

I don't want anything from you. I just want you to be happy and cute. Thats all.

I am sorry if my blog post sounded like I was blaming you. I WASN'T!! I was just blaming myself and expressing my regret!

I am sorry, P! I really am sorry. I won't disturb you. I won't post anymore songs. I won't do anything that will make you see me.

I know this may be inappropriate, but please don't be angry, P. I beg of you. I didn't intend to make you angry or to blame you. It never occurred in my mind at all. I just wish for you to be happy, P. Thats all.

Take care of yourself, P. Goodbye.

I'm Back...

I'm back to the 'Lost Island of Loneliness". Wow.. what a corny name....

I'm still getting used to this even though I have stayed here for about 4 years before, I just feel uneasy being here. I look out and see the great ocean of despair, sadness, regret and jealousy, taunting and drowning my heart.

I'm not complaining. I guess this is where I belong.

I'll just be contented with the fact that God has answered my prayers, that she found happiness. So, thank you, God.

"I just hope she can always be happy and cute, for that is all I wish for."

Take care of yourself. :)

Too Late?

I can't deny it.

I have given much thought about asking a particular question. But...I was scared to ask it. What would be the outcome? Was it even worth asking at that point in time?

So, I didn't ask it. I forgot about it. I thought the question was too far-fetched, anyway.

Thats what I thought. Thats what I assumed.

Today, though... TODAY... of all days, I remembered that question. Ironic, I thought.

More ironic, I somehow thought of all the perfect words for that question. I am shocked. Why didn't I think of the words sooner? Is it because of my current-state that I am able to formulate of these emotional and heartfelt words so easily?

I look out the window....saying the question out loud to myself. It sounds perfect to me. I realized that this question may have changed my fate (and even may have made my current-state better). Oh.. How foolish have I been? I always have been a fool, haven't I?

I shake my head in dismay.

Its too late, anyway. I shouldn't go looking for trouble. Oh well, I missed my chance and I will never get it back. Regret is all I have now... and also forever.

Happiness just isn't real, after all.

Well, it has been 3 weeks since I arrived at Los Angeles International Airport. "A new life", I thought.

It hard to converse with people around here. Of course, I am not a good talker. But, I just hope than the person I am talking with can help me extend the conversation. Too much to ask for, I suppose.

Classes has been gone well so far. Its been 2 weeks and assignments are piling up. Study, study, study. Whew~ Its quite tiring.

When I first arrive, I was kinda excited. Its LA after all. However, the excitement soon died down. Sometimes, I feel I am in some kind of dream world. Am I really in the United States? Am I in some kind of video game? Some times I am not sure myself. Some times, I find myself reminding me that I am in LA and all of this is real. I am not sure what to think anymore. Right now, I just living day to day, without much emotions involved because if I were to live with emotions I would be sad all the time as the only emotion I can feel right now is sadness.

I can't deny that I am homesick. "Normal", I guess. Haha. My roommates call their family everyday. I feel a little envious. "Mummy, where are you!" I say to myself. But still, I think I am getting over homesickness.

I also can't deny that I am heartbroken. I find myself thinking about her all the time.

The other day, she said to me that she missed me badly. I actually wanted to say that I missed her badly too. But, I stopped and asked myself whats the point in saying that. It just doesn't matter anymore whether I miss her. Sometimes, I will look at the blue sky and think about her. (Yeah, she really loves blue). Its kinda painful having to live like this but I just do it anyway. I know I should just 'move on' but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go. The time when I was with her, I was very very happy. Now, it has ended and I am upset. I am not sure what to do.........All I can do now is to bury my emotions and doubt deep in my heart and, as I said before, live without emotions like how I did before I met her.

In the end, happiness just doesn't exist in my life. Sadness is everywhere for me. I'll just have to deal with it whether I like it or not.

P.S. I know I am gonna be so jealous when she gets a new boyfriend. haha.

Number 2.

Most people like to associate themselves with the number 1. I mean, yeah, the number 1 does portray leadership and whatnot. But to me, I believe the number TWO has more meaning in my life.

I have never been a winner.

However, I truly I won something great in these past TWO years -- memories, priceless, memories. When I entered college, I did not have the intention to get-to-know other people. I knew it was important. But, I supposed after losing friends and my heart in pieces, I really did not want to get involve in other peoples' lives.

The first year went uneventful. Day after day, I went by unnoticed.

Year number TWO took a turn. At the time, I did not noticed it. But now, looking back, I can clearly see the chain reactions that took place in my second year in college. Its funny actually how one event leads to the other without me even noticing it. But that is how life goes, right? Unpredictable yet fun.

Doing charity, Joining dances, Working together to organize an event, acting, editing, taking pictured, dating, watching a lot of movies in cinema, hanging out...

But the one thing I did not expect at all was getting a girlfriend.

In my whole life, I only like TWO girls. The first girl that I liked was a sad, one-sided thing. But the second girl... well.....

It was during my Fall semester in 2009. I did have a crush on a girl. I mean, she was very cute and all. But, I did not want to complicate matters by asking her out on a date. Besides, she already had a boyfriend at that time. So, my feelings for her faded. But, out of the blue, she asked me out. I took a chance, said yes, and that was the beginning of something incredible.

Soon, after a few more dates, she became my girlfriend and I became her boyfriend. Honestly, to this day, I still can't believe a cute girl like her became my girlfriend.

Fast forward a little and it is the end of my last semester, Summer 2010.

When I first started my Summer 2010 semester, I said to myself I wanted to go all out and make this summer an unforgettable TWO months of life. Now, at the end of summer, I can safely say "Mission Accomplished". I did many things -- organizing a DotA competition, going out with my girlfriend, going to the beach, watching the sunset, acting in a 'Summer BlockBuster' ;) , going to 'Prom' (ATU Night), first time having a date for prom and even holding a girl's hand or specifically, my first ever girlfriend's hand.

As summer has ended, I realized that I might never some people ever again. When I think about it again, I find myself laughing because when I left high school, I didn't look back. I had no care, no attachment to the place nor to anyone.

But now, I do. And I feel the sadness. I feel the emptiness. It truly does not feel nice at all.

I wonder if I would ever see her again. I really miss her. But I realized that I don't have what it takes to continue this relationship. I know that she may hate me for this, but I do not want to keep on hurting her. She taught me so much and I just want her to be as happy as possible.

I don't know whether I will regret if I end this relationship but I do know that the relationship I had with her is by far the most special relationship I have had in my whole life.Even though my heart is already in pieces, I would never ever forget the time I have spent with her, for it was truly memorable. No doubt.

You may be wondering why I am talking about this particular girl all of sudden. What the connection between this girl and the title?

Well, this girl may be the SECOND girl that I liked, but she is the FIRST girl I truly loved. I just hope she can always be happy and cute, for that is all I wish for.

Pet Cats - Part 1

I remember that like it was yesterday : 15th June 2008

I was enjoying my last week at home before 'shipping' off to college. I was doing what I usually do at the time, playing DotA. After a few rounds (of losing), I decided to grab a glass of water. As I went out of my room, I got a shocked of my life. A cat was sitting calmly on the floor. I was baffled.

Was I dreaming?

I didn't know. I called my sister. She came out and was surprised too.

OMG! A CAT CAME INTO MY HOUSE!

Anyway, continuing from the above link, the mother cat gave birth at the back of my house. So, Now there were 5 little kittens and 1 mother cat.

Unfortunately, 1 kitten passed away, another kitten was taken away by the father (maybe) and another kitten disappeared.

And then were 2 baby kittens.

~To Be Continued~

A visit to a orphanage

Sorry 'bout the boring title but the title does says it all.

I recently had the opportunity to volunteer myself in this project. I have to admit; it is my first time to an orphanage. However, I went there with a open mind ,hoping to learn a thing or two from this experience.

We left early in the morning. Tired, I boarded the bus and off we went to the orphanage (Desa Amal Jernih)

It wasn't a long journey. That meant I couldn't catch up on my sleep. We soon arrive at out destination 45 minutes later. The place was huge. I learned that this wasn't just an orphanage but also a center for senior citizens too.

We didn't waste any time as we quickly got to work. We helped cleaned the houses, shift furniture, sort out clothes and organized the donated items. We also got to meet the children. They were all very happy, smiling and laughing. At the end of the day, we organized a little game for them : modelling plasticine. I certainly cannot deny that each and every one of the plasticine sculptures was magnificent. In the end, everyone won the game and each of them got a prize.

Soon, however, it was time to say our goodbyes. All I can say is that I did truly learned something valuable. No matter how bad the situation is, there always a silver lining, if one perseveres 'till the end.

Well, I hope I can take my own advice 'cause life for me right now is looking rather bleak. Oh well...~

PuTraJaYa ~ Oh, What Fun!

PutraJaya. A modern city envisioned by the former Prime Minister Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad.

Enough 'bout the history lesson. I actually went not to sight-see but on a mission. I had to get confirmation of my financial situation. And Putrajaya was the place to go. So off I ventured, not knowing what to expect, with my trustee companion Tan Wei Jie. He too shared the same goals as me.

We actually left in an unplanned manner. Left behind by our comrades due to a big misunderstanding, Wei Jie and I were quick on our feet to depart. We rushed and rushed and rushed, almost falling down at point. But lady luck was on our side. Though the journey was long and somewhat confusing, we manage to come out victorious, reaching our destination at precisely 3.00 o'clock in the afternoon.

"Wow!", I exclaimed.

In the lonely abode, Wei Jie and I waited for processing to be complete. We gapped a little, impressed with city and all. We waited and waited and finally, the proces was complete. We meticulously recheck the documents and once expressing satisfaction, thanked the receptionist. We grabbed our bags, slinging them on our shoulders and closed the door behind.

We left the huge building; however, we thought to ourselves : why go back so soon? We have time, don't we?

So, in goes the documents and out came the cameras. ^_^